My kids don't understand weather. Or God.
- Kids: It's snowing!
- Me: Yeah, great.
- Kids: Is it Christmas today?
- Me: It doesn't have to Christmas in order for it to snow. It just has to be cold enough.
- Kids: Wow, God DOES love us!
- Me: Think I'll get some works done.
- Kids: I bet we can make dad want to schedule a vasectomy today!
- Me: You win kids.
Me and Dishwashing Machine
- Me: Hey, Dishwasher Machine! Can you stop being so loud so I can concentrate on this press release I'm supposed to write today?
- Dishwasher Machine: SWISH SA-WOOSH SWISH SA-WOOSH GRRRRRRRGLE
- Me: Well this isn't a very productive conversation.
- Dishwasher machine: Seriously, what did you expect? I am a dish washing machine. I do not have a conscious let alone the capacity to maintain any sort of recognizable vocabulary.
- Me: Well, then how is I recognize that?
- Dishwasher Machine: That is because you have chosen to distract yourself from your writing obligation by daydreaming up a pretend conversation with me to make it appear as though it is I who is distracting you from your work when in fact, it is you. This is the basis for which you lead such an half-assed career in writing. Also, you are out of rinsing agent.
- Me: Oh, dishwasher machine. . . What would I do without you?
- 6yo: Can you wipe me!
- Me: Sure, hang on. Oh, hey what's this spilled on the floor? Is this water or juice or something?
- 6yo: I don't know.
- Me: (Rubbing the spill with me fingers) Well what the hell is this?
- 6yo: I had diarrhea.
- Me: (throwing up into my own brain) oh.
My 5year old autistic son using the F word pt2
- Him: I'm going to punch your face, fuckin dad!
- Me: Don't you dare talk to me like that.
- Him: Then I'm going to SLAP your face, fuckin dad!
- Me: Wait, no. The way that my face is struck is not what I was objecting to.
My 5year old autistic son using the F word pt1
- Him: Fuckin' dog!
- Me: Hey, we don't use that word.
- Him: But he scratched me.
- Me: Well, you have the context right.